I Keep Trying
by rikalynch
Summary: How Blaine managed to save Kurt's life. Klaine fic, dark. Self-harm and mentions of suicide. T for language and possible triggers.


**I can't believe I actually just managed to write a story that's over 4,000 words long. Well, a one-shot anyways. I don't think I've ever, _ever_ done that. Seriously. Anyhow...**

**Warnings for possible triggers, mention of self harm and suicide. You _have _been warned. That is all. Read on! :) **

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><p>"I'm not perfect," he'd whisper to himself. "I need to be perfect." The knife blade would drag against his wrist, and he would cry out, the sound muffled by his hand. "Shut up," he'd tell himself. "You can take it." The next cut would be parallel to the other, the same length and deepness. They were always very neatly organized. Sometimes he would end up going over an old scar but he didn't care. His cell phone vibrated and he growled at it. Pulling the blade across his porcelain skin once more, he read the text.<p>

_"I'm in Lima tonight, how would you feel about a date? Tried calling your house but there was no answer. -Blaine"_

Kurt scoffed. How could Blaine want to go on a date with him? He was flawed, ugly, and imperfect. He hated himself. What he typed next baffled him.

_"I'll be ready in an hour. –K."_

He dropped his phone on his bed in shock. What had he just done? He washed off his wrist and put some concealer on the cuts, not minding the awful sting. He put on his favorite Alexander McQueen sweater (which had gotten a bit small on him; that only made him angrier with himself for not fitting in it) and a pair of black skinny jeans. He styled his hair just enough so it didn't look like he just woke up and then he began to work on his face, putting some more concealer on his eyes to hide the dark circles under his eyes. He sat and stared absently at the smooth, sharp knife he'd been cutting himself with for a good portion of the wait. Eventually, he picked it up, and placed it under his pillow, figuring he'd dispose of it later. He wrote a note and put it on the fridge, even though his parents were out for the weekend and Finn was at some sleepover or something.

"_You probably won't see this, but if you do, I'm out with Blaine. I have my cell. Love you. –Kurt"_ he re-read his note a few times when the doorbell rang. He sighed, rolled his shoulders back and walked to the front door, counting to three and opening it. He did not expect Blaine to pull him into a bone-crushing hug.

"Kurt," he whispered into his boyfriend's shoulder. "I missed you so much." Kurt hissed in pain, as Blaine had been squeezing on the scars on his hips. Blaine noticed this, and pulled away. "You okay, babe?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." _Lie._ "I hit my hip off of the counter earlier, there's probably a bruise there, it's nothing." _Another lie._

"Okay… Are you ready to go, hon?" Blaine asked. Kurt scoffed at the use of the pet name but nodded his head. "Do you wanna go out to eat?"

"Uh, no," Kurt said. "I'm not hungry, I just ate about an hour ago." _You're a fucking liar, Kurt, _he slapped himself mentally. _You haven't eaten all weekend. Tell him._

"Movies?" Blaine suggested. _Oh god, what if someone from the glee club's there? What if Karofsky is there? What if— _"Kurt?" Blaine took in Kurt's facial expression. "Okay, whatever, no movies."

"Actually, I'm feeling a bit hungry. Let's go out to eat, okay?" Kurt snapped back into reality.

"Alright then." Blaine shrugged and grabbed Kurt's hand after he closed and locked the door behind them. He led them to the car, opening the door for him.

The drive was spent in silence, Kurt pondering if and how he would tell Blaine about his scars. "Kurt? Not to take you out of your daydream, but we're here." Blaine whispered into his ear, almost seductively.

"Right, okay," Kurt said, and got out of the car, meeting up with Blaine in front of it. He grabbed Blaine's hand and smiled. "Thanks for taking me out, whole family's gone so I was all alone."

"It's my pleasure," Blaine said, holding the door open for his boyfriend. They stood in silence and waited for a hostess to seat them. When she did, they were in a secluded booth near the back of the restaurant (probably due to her or somebody else working there being homophobic) and walked away. Blaine looked at Kurt, who was staring at his sweater-clad arms. "How are you not sweating? Do you have anything on underneath that?" Blaine asked, switching to sitting next to Kurt. Blaine was wearing khaki shorts and a red polo shirt.

"N-no," Kurt stuttered a reply. "I don't know, it's really cold inside my house, s-so…"

"Hi, I'm Addison; I'll be your server for tonight. Can I start you two off with anything to drink?" A new waitress asked them. She was bubblier and obviously more accepting than the last.

"Um… Yeah, I'll have water. Please." Kurt stumbled out, and then smiled sheepishly at the waitress.

"Coke for me," Blaine said, not looking at her. "Thank you," he said and then went back to fussing over Kurt. "Are you okay? You hate water. Are you sick or something?"

"I'm fine, and no, I'm not sick." Kurt deadpanned. "I-I… I just have something to tell you. I'm just trying to figure out how." Kurt sighed, and thanked the waitress with a smile as she handed him his glass of water.

"Do you two need a few more minutes?" She asked with a sweet smile.

"Yeah, that'd be awesome, thanks," Blaine said, smiling at her. Addison was astonished that a guy, a cute one at that, had smiled at her face and not her breasts. Then again, he was with another guy so it was only natural he was gay.

"What could possibly be so bad that you, Kurt Hummel, the most confident person I've ever met, can't just blurt out?" Blaine worried. "Never mind, Kurt, if you don't want to tell me, its okay, alright? You're acting really jumpy so it seems like it's out of your comfort zone."

Kurt nodded and opened up his menu, not really interested in eating anything. "How about you come over to my house and I tell you there? I'm afraid I might…" Kurt bit his lip, "Start to cry or something, and I really don't wanna do that here…" Kurt trailed off.

Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand and looked him right in the eyes. "Are you okay, Kurt? Did something happen? Is it Karofsky? I swear to god if that jerk's bugging you again, I'll…"

Blaine was cut off by Kurt simply saying, "no, it's all me, don't worry." Blaine nodded and kissed Kurt lightly, before opening up his menu.

"What are you getting?" Blaine playfully nudged him on the arm.

Kurt pondered for a while, and finally whispered, "salad."

"Damn it Kurt, you're going to make me feel like a fat ass, seriously, I'm getting steak." Blaine chuckled and kissed Kurt's temple. Kurt hummed and leaned into Blaine's touch.

"You know I'm not a carnivore like you, Blaine," Kurt mumbled, and set his menu down. Blaine kissed Kurt's temple again and put an arm around him, bringing him close.

Blaine kissed the top of Kurt's head. "I love you," Blaine whispered into his hair.

Kurt didn't reply, and the waitress came back over, a smile on their face, seeing that they were cuddling. _They're so cute, _she thought to herself. "Have you figured out what you're getting?"

Blaine ordered for both of them, and Kurt smiled at him. Blaine continued to randomly kiss Kurt and cuddle him until Addison brought their food to them, smiling. Blaine then returned to his side of the booth, digging into his food. Kurt rolled his eyes and took small, unappreciative bites of his salad until he realized how hungry he actually was. He then began to take bigger bites until it was gone, all while Blaine stared at him in disbelief. He'd never seen Kurt eat so fast. "Honey, when was the last time you ate?" Blaine asked.

"I don't know, Thursday at dinner," Kurt murmured, his mouth full of lettuce.

"Kurt!" Blaine exclaimed. "It's Saturday night!"

"Thanks, Rebecca, I couldn't tell. I just haven't been hungry…" Kurt trailed off, and by the look in his eyes, Blaine could tell it was part of the story he was going to hear later at Kurt's house. Blaine chuckled and finished his meal. When he ate his last french fry, he scooted out of his seat and sat next to Kurt. He began to nip at Kurt's neck and then kissed his temple again. "Really, getting frisky in a restaurant, are we?"

"Mmm," Blaine mumbled into Kurt's flesh, licking at it. "You're so perfect, fuck I love you so much." He let out a cross between a moan and a groan, shivering slightly and pulled back. "Do you want to get dessert?" He asked sheepishly from underneath his eyelashes.

"It depends on if it's ice cream or not." Kurt smiled.

Addison appeared just then, and said, "How was the food?" She didn't wait for a reply as she started to pile their dishes onto the tray she was carrying. "Can I get you anything for dessert?"

"Yeah, I'll let you come back when your hands aren't full and we've decided," Blaine smiled sincerely. Addison nodded and scampered back into the kitchen to deliver the dishes. Kurt looked at the menu, and pointed to what sort of looked like a chocolaty heart attack. It was a chocolate chip cookie with chocolate ice-cream and hot fudge sauce on top.

"That," Kurt simply said, and Blaine didn't dare disagree with him, knowing his love of all things chocolate. When Addison arrived again, notepad in hand, Blaine ordered, asking for two spoons. She smiled and nodded curtly, heading off towards the kitchen again to deliver the order.

"I love you," Blaine whispered to Kurt. "So much."

"Oh, really now?" Kurt smiled devilishly, and Blaine nodded frantically.

"More than anything." Blaine smiled. They stared into each other's eyes for what felt like eternity before Addison came back with their dessert. Blaine smiled, and said, "Thank you, Addison." She smiled a toothy grin and wandered off to another table to serve it.

"This looks amazing," Kurt said, and grabbed a spoon. Blaine stopped him, and Kurt raised his eyebrow, ready to bitch him out for getting between him and chocolate. Blaine didn't say anything and picked up the other spoon, taking a small bit of ice cream from the dish and placing it on Kurt's bottom lip, until he opened up his mouth to take the whole spoon. Kurt moaned. "It _is_ amazing. Try some," he said, and did the same for Blaine. Blaine smiled at him, sucking on the ice cream in his mouth. He preferred to microwave his ice cream, personally.

They continued like that until there was only the giant cookie left, which Kurt glared at. "Fuck, I can't eat any more."

"It's all good, dear. Want to go back to your place now?" Kurt's heart sunk. Going back home meant telling Blaine. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. _"Kurt?"

"Um, yeah, I guess. Hey, do you think you could spend the night? I might… It'd be fun." Kurt cut off what was going to be, _I might need it. _

"Yeah, sure, I'd love to." Blaine smiled. "Won't your dad get pissed off though?"

"He won't have to know. If he does come home, we'll just say you slept on the couch or in Finn's room or something." Kurt giggled to himself, remembering when Blaine had slept over after Rachel's horrendous party.

"So I take it I'm not sleeping on the couch or Finn's room or something?" Blaine said with a wink. Kurt kicked him under the table.

Addison showed up at their table with a big smile on her face. "Do you want me to wrap this up for you?" She asked.

"No, that's alright," Blaine said. Addison smiled.

"Okay, so that's everything? Is that bill gonna be together or separate?"

"Separate," Kurt said at the same time as Blaine said, "together."

"Damn it, Kurt, let me be a gentleman." Blaine smiled and kicked Kurt under the table, lightly. "That'll be together," Blaine said to Addison and she smiled. Blaine really liked when Addison smiled. She had dimples underneath the freckles that dusted her nicely tanned skin. Her sandy hair flowed down her shoulders and the waves cascaded down her back. Her bright blue eyes shone underneath the dim lighting, and her plump, pink lips sheathed a row of beautiful pearly whites. She blushed and then walked to the counter to get their bill, her hips swaying with every step.

"She's really beautiful," Kurt whispered to Blaine.

"I know," Blaine said. "But you're more beautiful." He kissed Kurt's forehead, and Addison returned with the bill and four mints placed on top. Blaine smiled and got out of the booth so Kurt could stand. Blaine took out two twenties from his wallet, one for the meal and one for Addison. Under the part where you write how your service was, he wrote, 'excellent, the food was amazing and the server was beautiful. Have a nice night, Addison.' He added a smiley face after that and closed the booklet, grabbing Kurt's hand and leading him out of the restaurant.

He opened Kurt's car door for him again and closed it for him, and then got into the driver's seat and drove them both to Kurt's house. When they got there, Kurt fumbled with the lock, and Blaine noticed he was a bit jumpy, as he was before. "Are you okay, hon?"

"Yeah," Kurt said, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he finally opened the door. "I just have to use the bathroom or something," he mumbled, more to himself. He flung his shoes off and ran down the hall, slamming the bathroom door behind him. Blaine chuckled and removed Kurt's key from the lock, placing it on the table by the door. He removed his shoes in a manner much more neatly than Kurt's, and placed Kurt's on the shoe rack. He sat on the couch, fingering through a magazine that Burt had probably left out, seeing as it was a magazine for a car parts shop.

As soon as Kurt got into the bathroom, he slammed his back against the door, sobbing. He hadn't noticed that he bled through his sweater. _Fuck, what if Blaine saw? _He ripped his sweater off and saw that the cuts were indeed bloodied, but the blood was quite dry. He sighed and washed it off, feeling the urge to throw up as he watched the dry blood swirl in the drain to the sink. He realized then, that it was more a need than an urge. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet bowl and began to retch, hoping that the contents of his last (delicious) meal wouldn't make a comeback. Unfortunately, there was no such luck. He felt his entire body coil as the first round came up. There was no "just once" when he was vomiting. Always came to him in rounds—first one was awful, but the second and third aren't as unexpected and are bearable. The fourth and sometimes fifth are unexpected and come at the worst times and are usually just bile or water.

Blaine looked up from the magazine he was leafing through when he thought he heard gagging. He padded toward the bathroom door, and confirmed that Kurt was indeed throwing up. He opened the door after knocking lightly, not waiting for a reply. Kurt was practically hugging the bowl, sobbing and gagging painfully into it. Blaine fell to his knees next to Kurt and began to rub circles on his back. Kurt jumped a little and Blaine realized that Kurt probably hadn't heard him enter. Kurt sighed again and gripped the bowl a little harder, vomiting more violently this time. Blaine kissed the skin on his back, making him shiver a bit. He traced patterns into his neck and shoulders with the pad of his thumb, waiting for Kurt's bout of nausea to boil over.

"Are you okay now?" Blaine asked, frowning, when he noticed that Kurt's gagging had begun to subside and eventually came to a halt.

"Yeah, can I have a few minutes to clean up?" Kurt said, not removing his arms from the grip he had on the side of the toilet. It was the only thing keeping Kurt from showing Blaine his scars, and he just wasn't ready to show him.

Blaine nodded and paced around the living room as he waited for Kurt to emerge from the bathroom again. He did about two or three minutes later, and Blaine pulled him into a hug. "Do you want me to go home? I can leave you alone, I mean, you're sick and all so you probably don't want me around…" Blaine ranted, but Kurt shushed him.

"It's okay; it's not going to happen again." _Fuck, he wants to go home. He saw the cuts on my hips. Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it, Kurt, you're a moron. Why are you so fucking stupid? _He slapped himself mentally and Blaine squeezed him tighter. Kurt didn't know why, but he started to cry at that. Blaine didn't notice until Kurt sniffled, then began to sob. If Blaine hadn't been holding him up, he would have slunk to the floor. Blaine rocked him back and forth, kissing his sweat-covered temple and whispering reassurances to him.

"I'm not crying because I'm sick_," _Kurt wanted to scream out. "I'm crying because I'm killing myself and you don't even notice! You're so stupid! No, I'm the stupid one… Why am I with Blaine? He's so perfect, and I'm so disgusting. I'm stupid, ugly, worthless, a terrible son, I'm fat, and I don't deserve to live."

Blaine was astonished. "What… What do you mean you're killing yourself? Kurt, please don't…" Blaine looked like he was on the verge of passing out. "Talk to me."

"Fuck, I said that out loud, didn't I?" Kurt fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. "I'm so sorry, Blaine, I'm such a fuck-up."

"Hey," Blaine warned. "Don't you ever think for one minute that you're a fuck-up, you hear me? You are perfect, beautiful and you definitely mean something. You're not fat, and you're not a terrible son either. You're just simply amazing. You're Kurt Hummel, Mr. I-Don't-Give-A-Shit-What-You-Think-About-Me. You're confident, classy and the most amazing singer I've ever heard in my entire life. You have the faith in yourself to realize this, and that… I admire that so much. It took me the longest time to even accept that I was a decent singer. I don't ever, _ever_ want you to think any of those bad things about yourself, okay, Kurt? You're _perfect._"

Hearing this only made Kurt cry harder. "There's something I've been hiding from you for the last few weeks… Well, it's been happening for about six months, but still." He sighed, closed his eyes and rolled up both of his sleeves, for Blaine to see. Blaine gasped in disbelief. How could someone so perfect, or _anyone_ for that matter, hurt themselves so badly?

"No," Blaine said. "No, no, no, no, no, no." He began to shake a bit from the sob he was holding in. "Kurt, please, don't," was all he could manage. "No, don't… I love you far too much to even fathom losing you, and if I lose you because you did it to yourself… I'm not going to be able to live with myself. I'm going to stay in love with you forever, so please, please, Kurt, don't ever, _ever_ do it again."

"It's harder than you think." Kurt muttered. He sighed once more. "My dad saw my wrist once and yelled at me, told me to stop or else he was getting me professional help. So of course, I stopped cutting my wrist." He took a deep breath and then pulled his sweater off once more, revealing the scars on his hips and under his navel.

"Is that… Is that all of them?" Blaine asked, reluctantly.

"N-no… There's more on my legs…" Kurt closed his eyes and let the tears fall.

"Show them to me," Blaine whispered. Kurt sighed but obliged, bringing Blaine into his bedroom just in case somebody came home, and peeled his skinny jeans off. He lifted the fabric of his boxers at his thigh, showing Blaine the rows of organized cuts on the skin between his stomach and thigh. He revealed the parallel side, where they were much worse. All of the cuts were much worse on the right side of his body, apart from his wrist, due to him being right handed. "That's all of them?" Blaine allowed his lip to tremble.

Kurt closed his eyes and nodded. He bowed his head and tears fell onto his bare chest. Blaine pulled him into another hug and kissed his neck softly. "Give me your knife," Blaine whispered. Kurt's eyes widened, but he walked over to his pillow and retrieved it. He handed it to Blaine, who studied the blood-covered blade. "You see this?" He held it so it was hovering in front of his face. "This is a weapon. You see these?" Blaine brushed his hand over Kurt's right hip, where his scars seemed to be really bad but healing nicely. "They're battle scars. They all have a story, some sort of pain that inflicted them. The same with all of these," Blaine said as he ran his fingers softly across Kurt's abdomen and other hip bone. "They're all beautiful, but there are way too many of them. The ones you have are far too many, you understand that, right? You need to stop, Kurt, I'm not telling you this because I want you to; I'm telling you this because I need you to. I love you, and I _won't _lose you. Not now, not ever. You hear me?" Kurt nodded. Blaine smiled and kissed Kurt's wrist over the new wounds. "Glad we have that settled, then. C'mere, you cutie pie." Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand and guided him towards his bed, sitting him down and then Kurt lay down.

Blaine snuggled in beside him. "Can I tell you something?" Kurt whispered after a long silence.

"You can tell me anything, hon, I'm all ears. Metaphorically, thank god." Blaine propped himself up on one elbow, listening to what Kurt had to say.

Kurt chuckled and continued- "I'm so glad I told you. I… I think I was going to kill myself, Blaine. Had you not have noticed, or asked me out today…" Kurt winced. "I was cutting really deep earlier, and I just wanted to get out. I didn't care about Finn, or dad, or Carole or anything, I just wanted out. I wasn't thinking about how much it'd hurt you. Then, you texted me, and everything just changed. I wanted to punch you for interrupting me, but now that I look back at it I'm glad you did. If you hadn't…" Kurt inhaled sharply as Blaine's eyes filled with tears. "I'd probably be dead right now, Blaine. I would've bled out or something and nobody would have noticed until I was long gone. I'm so glad I told you, and for everything that's happened tonight. You really did, truthfully, save my life. I love you, so much, Blaine." Kurt stopped talking and wiped one of Blaine's fallen tears. Blaine sat up, and immediately pulled Kurt into a hug.

He rocked Kurt back and forth and kissed him over and over, hoping he'd never have to go through what he just dealt with ever again. He didn't want to lose Kurt, he was everything he had and meant so much more than that to him.

"I really do love you, more than any words could ever describe, Blaine, and to be completely honest with you, I hope that someday we get married." Kurt whispered the last few words with a blush and smiled.

"So do I, Kurt." Blaine smiled once more and kissed Kurt on the lips. "Get some rest, okay, babe? I promise I'll be here in the morning when you wake up. I love you." Blaine kissed Kurt a little bit more passionately this time, then pulled away and Kurt groaned, but obliged and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

That night, his dreams flickered between Blaine and darkness. He was so happy to have him, and no matter what happened, would always stay that way. Blaine's hand had found its way into Kurt's, and he would periodically squeeze it. Every now and again, Kurt would mutter "I love you" in his sleep, and that only further widened Blaine's smile. Kurt had never ceased to amaze Blaine in every way possible, and he hoped that it would stay that way for a long while. He fell asleep thinking about what Kurt had said, about getting married, smiling. He'd have to talk with him in a few months when they were graduated from high school.

Both boys slept in complete serenity, smiling throughout the whole night.

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><p><strong>Loved it? Hated it? Meh? Leave me a review telling me how it was, I think I actually run on them now. Tell me if it needed any improvements! And also, should I leave this as a one-shot or turn it into a multi-chapter? <strong>

**Peace, love and Klainebows!**


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